I wish that everything- just this once- could go the way it is in my head.
In my head everything is working out wonderfully...and in real life, It's not so bad. I have a job again, working for friends of mine as a personal assistant for their company and helping them out with picking up the kids from school, etc. It's nice because I can do work i'm good at (paperwork and kids) and meld it with things I enjoy (like spending time with the friends).
But in my head I have enough money to pay my car insurance, fix my tires and cracked rims so that I don't have to keep fillling my tires with air every 2 or 3 days, and I would have enough to pay off a few of these credit cards that rear their ugly heads every time I turn around. It takes time, but I'm hoping that everything will come together.
In my head I'm not depressed.....but I am depressed. I don't know why- I can't put my finger on it since there is no BIG thing that's bothering me. instead I guess it;s just a combination of a lot of smaller things. I'm stressed and worried about everything.
In my head Bruce and I are together forever, but my personal life has been a struggle lately. I love bruce more than ANYTHING but I wish he was a mind reader, and i'm sure I've put more stress on our relationship by expecting him to be. If I get upset about something he might realize it, but I am so used to shoving those feelings deep down so they don't resurface that I do it almost automatically. I am a pretender. I pretend things are ok, I pretend I'm not upset, I pretend that I'm happy. but i'm not.
I'm hopefull for spring. maybe the spring will be better, I can get outside more and be more active, and then I will feel better.
In other news the economy is still in the shitter- as if you didn't know- and that's a big bummer, especially around michigan. It seems like michigan is slowly dying...and that fuckin blows.
If you get a chance check out the song Shutting Detroit Down by John Rich. It perectly describes what's happening around here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXRibzKERpU
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